Literatea

Bob Dylan, Subterranean Homesick Blues

If anyone in the vicinity of Brighton seafront has seen my eyelids, could I have them back please?

…is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” A. A. Milne

Today on my way home to sticky London from windy Cornwall via humid Bristol the Hospitality Man from the Buffet Car (Situated Between the First and Ordinary Class Carriages) sounded over the tannoy “good morning ladies and gentlemen. I would like to warn you that the buffet car is now open…”.

Do I need to mention that I didn’t buy my sandwiches from Great Western Rail this time?

In other news, if you are as incensed (and really, we should all be) by Mister Heskey’s performance in England’s first match in the European Cup as this young man is then you probably should buy the t-shirt.

Sadly, I have nothing interesting to say so today I’ll just point people in the right direction.

If you’ve found your way to Literatea by searching for any internet personality test, check out the latest archive.

If you’ve found your way to Literatea by searching for a quote, read my blog (including all of the archives), bookmark it, and then make your way to the best quotations place on the interwebnet. I probably found the quote you’re looking for there.

If you’ve found your way to Literatea by searching for any “Trojan Condoms”-related information then this is what I wrote. Please ignore the 2x spelling mishtak. Other than the short diatribe against the Most Poorly Executed Advert of 2004, I’ve no other information for you. Especially for whoever was looking for name of the model. Sorry.

If you’ve found your way to Literatea by searching for anything else then welcome, stay around if you please (or go somewhere else if you prefer) and read the excellent A-Z Guide to the Spinsterhood if you haven’t already.

Here’s a little link to keep you amused (I think). Nigel is talented but has a short attention span…don’t let him stop! Leave a comment, visit him three times a day, harrass him if you must.

That is all. Wow! I did have something to say after all.

When first I read this I felt that this little gem really ought to be shared with the world (and mainly Us Girls) at large. So Literatea presents for your reading delectation

The A-Z Guide to the Spinsterhoodby Jane Denton

Activities to keep oneself busy
Knitting, crocheting, gossiping, peering evilly through the curtains at children in the street, jam making, keeping cats, reading Catherine Cookson or Mills and Boon, sitting at your spinning wheel.

Beauty store cupboard
Yoghurt – a great cheap cleanser, hang over smoothies (for others, spinsters should never be tipsy themselves of course) and very good for thrush.
Hair curlers
Honey- nice in tea for a comfort drink, also great for sore throats.
Nurofen- for that joyous time of the month.
Cucumber-for eyes, face packs and adding to Pimms.
Ice cubes- a girl should always keep a emergency supplies for impromptu drinks parties, puffy eyes, and certain antics ;o)

Chocolate
A bar of the good stuff gets the serotonin flowing just as effectively as a good snog.

Diamonds are a girls best friends:
to quote one of the spinsterhood’s most favourite fashion icons. Being given a diamond ring by a gentleman friend means a resignation from the spinsterhood is on the cards.

Emergency Escape
An unwelcome male pays you a surprise visit. What do you do? Pop on your worst dressing gown, grab some tissues, put on some Vicks Vapo-Rub for smelly effect and pretend you’re really ill. That’ll send him packing.

Flirting
We all like a good flirt. It cheers up the day to think that someone out there fancies us without needing a cash incentive.

Spinsters who are in training in this area, here are a some basic key areas of flirting:
-The eyebrow flash: a well know flirt tactic and well worth a try.
-Batting eyelashes: This is used as a helpless girlie look that most men can pick up on. Just don’t make it look like you’ve got a squint.
-Body language: don’t fold your arms. Keep up the eye contact. Don’t sit like a bloke!
-and lastly listen: even when he’s boring you! Giggling- but not annoyingly.

God’s jokes
-That massive yellow-headed spot on the end of your nose on the morning of a hot date.
-Great hair day; no date.
-The knit-wits knitting circle. Surely it can’t be true??

Hot Coco
A must for any spinster who is at home and tucked up in bed by 9.30.

Imaginative underwear
Whether it’s Rigby & Peller or our faithful La Senza, pretty underwear is essential. Also bear in mind: a good bra is more supportive than most boyfriends.

Just met
A funny little game spinsters can play when in a restaurant alone (nothing wrong with a spinster having dinner pour une). Look around and guess who’s on a first date. Tell tale signs are as follows:
- He shows an undue amount of care and attention in keeping her wineglass full to overflowing.
- He waits till she visits the bathroom before going pale at the prices and finding the nearest exit.
- He does a very good job of stifling a yawn while she relates the story of her cat’s operation.

Knitting
Always have a spare pair of knitting needles at the ready. You may need to knit something in an emergency like a fan belt (a spinsters stocking should NOT under any circumstances be removed in public).

Letting yourself go
Spinsters of any parish must never allow this to happen, even when there are no men on the scene.
Warning signs are:
1. Wearing tracksuit trousers all the time
2. Not being able to remember the last time you had your locks trimmed (yes, even when it’s long hair)
3. Not knowing where your make up bag is
4. Losing two eyebrows and gaining a mono-brow
5. Not bothering to wear a hair net at night

Marriage
Don’t worry about being single and not getting any offers of marriage. Who needs a man anyway??
TIP If you forget confetti at a wedding, do not be tempted to improvise with gravel.

Never date the following:
- Men who wear grey shoes
- Men who take their lunch to work in a carrier bag
- Men who use a purse
- A man who wears driving gloves

On your own
Things that are better done alone
-Sleeping in a stuffy, hot room
-Eating a large bar of Dairy Milk
-Receiving a cash reward
-Playing pass the parcel
-Doing the Mensa IQ test

Pop socks
An essential for every tweed loving spinsey.

Quandaries
Stockings or tights?
Purple or blue rinse?
Angora or Mohair for your next knitting project?
Fuschia pink lipstick or good old brick red?

Red wine
A bottle a night for every spinster. Nuff said.

Supermarkets
(24 hour) Grab a basket at around 10pm, head for the airy empty aisles and, if you’re in that on-the-pull frame of mind, be on the alert, as the only other shoppers around at this time are likely to be just as single as you. The glances across the meal-for-one freezer compartment await.

Tick tock, tick tock
We have a right to ignore comments such as “how come you’re not married” and “tick tock, tick tock”.

Useful numbers to have on speed dial
Thresher Wine Shop
Male Escorts
Local Indian restaurant
Samaritans

Vacuuming
A spinster should never neglect her household duties, even when there are many thrilling social activities for her to be involved in,these may include. tapestry, brooch swapping with other spinsters, quilt making, and embroidery

What do men want?
???????????……?

X-Ray vision
Yes we see through the lies men feed us, so just don’t bother in the first place honey.

Yippee
Your response to hearing the following:
-This weeks Women¡¦s Weekly is a bumper issue.
-Your spinster friend has a new crochet pattern she thinks you’ll love.
-Tweed is in again.
-Lindemans Bin 50 Shiraz is buy one get one free in Sainsburys.

Zero:
Any man’s chances with you if you catch him:
1. Using money-saving coupons to pay for anything
2. Wearing sandals (with or without socks)
3. Scratching his crotch in public
4. Sniffing constantly
5. Sporting checks with stripes
6. Wearing white socks with smart shoes
7. Buying food from the “No Frills” economy range

Many thanks to the sporting readers of Literatea who came back time and again for the quizzes. I think my Quiz Taker Displaying The Most Stamina surely must go to Lemly who managed to take every single quiz in a day. Impressive, no?