Literatea

Today I’d like to introduce you to this marvellous work, written by Ambrose Bierce, and American Satirist of the late 1800’s.

Although an odd title, in view of the content it makes a great one. The dictionary is, well, a dictionary but with a difference. Satire & humour are applied to many words in use (and many that aren’t, actually)

For instance:

ACADEME, n.

An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY, n.

[from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

or

ACTUALLY, adv.

Perhaps; possibly.

or even

BAROMETER, n.

An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Well, I like it!

http://www.alcyone.com/max/lit/devils/c.html

HARANGUE, n.

A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang.

Bart Simpson (From Bart The General, written by John Swartzwelder)

In light of last night’s vote in the House of Commons, I found an appropriate little message straight from everyone’s favourite yellow family.

PS Did you know you can do a DEGREE on Simpsons & Philosophy in the States? What a Great country! No wonder they want to go to war… they’ve exhausted all other possibilities for entertainment!

(Silence of the Lambs)

Exactly how I feel about certain staff today.

Like the cast of Jaws, I often feel out of my depth on a Tuesday. This is due to our admin meeting. It doesn’t take place in shark-infested waters- but it may as well. What’s even more terrifying is that my place of work isn’t a dog-eat-dog corporation. No sir, I work at a church. A fantastic church as it goes, but Tuesdays are always accompanied by an inward groan on my part. Today was no exception, but I can tell you that it makes for interesting living.

Warning: Full-time ministry is not for the faint-hearted. Nerves of steel required.

– BBC commentator Christopher Martin-Jenkins during Test West Indies v England 1980-81.

Sunday is Cricket Day. Except I haven’t watched any today. Sadly my team stink as we’ve lost both to the Windies AND NZ so not much hope… then again I could be wrong as I’ve not been keeping in touch.

All of my friends, sadly, think I’m odd. (Way to go in picking your friends, Louise…) This is because I 1) love cricket 2) love sci-fi (particularly Star Trek Voyager, it’s great & I lurve Harry Kim) 3) don’t care what they say!

I do hope there are more people out there that find these small worlds of escapism as entertaining as I do. I mean, what other sport could have a catalogue of disasters, mishaps and strange (in Freudian-slippage-manner) quotes from commentators?

says Oscar Wilde. Very well, then. I’m taking the afternoon off. I live in London, you see, and the weather here is absolutely marvellous. So I’m going to join my very wonderful grandmother, Sylvia, in the garden. She’s teaching me how to do the gardening thing which I’ve avoided for the last twenty three years. But no more! I have seen the error of my ways! I’ve also seen the tan that gardeners get and I want one! Okay, so my reasons aren’t strictly virtuous in the manner of Alan Titchmarsh or grannies the world over. But what’s a good reason if not for self-enhancement (even if it’s on one’s tan).

I also realise that it’s only February. “This is England!” you may cry, “The land the tan forgot!”.

Ah- you are young, but you will learn. You see, February leads to Spring. Spring leads to Summer. And Summer Leads To Tan.

“They stink?”

“Yes. No! Onions have layers! Ogres have layers. D’you get it? We both have layers!”

Like the lovable green guy, I have managed to peel off a layer. No, I haven’t been on a sunny holiday in Perth. I Got Rid Of My Bad Mood. Hurrah!

I have no idea where it went, but if anyone spots it please, do not send it home. It sort of buzzed about like a fly on poop all morning, settled down like the smell of garlic on a Frenchman (or, indeed, onions on an ogre) for the afternoon. Then it defiantly reared its ugly head like a teenaged pimple on prom night at about the time cell group started, and sort of fizzled away like a bag of skips when it was all over. Any theories explaining the final destination of Spent Black Moods welcome.

“You know not everybody like onions! Eh, cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!”

Yes, on second thoughts, perhaps I’m more like a lovely gateux than a stinky onion. Oh, and thanks for the kind wishes, fellow lovely layered bloggers. Think I will just pop home and put the kettle on.

Today is a Holly Golightly day. I will go home, I will pretend that the world is a place where Glamour exists Every Day. I will pretend that I am Glamorous, even whilst making my dinner. I will go to my cell group tonight, you guessed it, looking very Glamorous and I will listen to Glamorous music, perhaps some Sinatra, whilst getting ready.

“Why?” You may ask yourself. Well, today wasn’t a great day. And so I shall make amends. I will have a fabulous time this evening, thankyouverymuchdahling, and enjoy what is left of today.

Ta-ta sweeties.